To the Me I See…

 

You could stand to lose some weight, those 5pds have been around 5 years too long.

If only you were taller/thinner, this outfit would look better

If you looked like the woman on TV/mags you’d have a man by now

If only your wave would end with your hand and not extend up your arm. You need to wear a jacket.

This was my inner dialogue while dealing with BDD.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (or BDD) is an anxiety disorder that nearly ruined my life and continues to affect millions of women like me daily. Many people experience moments of insecurity and moments of vanity. It’s hard being a regular person living in a world in which we are bombarded with images where everything is photoshopped or enhanced in the pursuit of perfection. For most, they can make the distinction between what they see in the mirror and what’s real and these moments pass.

It’s not the same for someone with BDD.

I’ve cancelled on friends because I looked or felt too fat for everything in my closet. If I went out, I would go out and spend the entire evening obsessing about my outfit, hair or skin. Readjusting and picking at myself.  When I was home, I would spend hours researching plastic surgeons with hopes one could “fix me”. I hated shopping in stores, always afraid to come out into the main dressing room for fear someone would see. Oh, and summer! Summer would give me anxiety because I didn’t look like “others” in swimwear, so I would hide all season.

It took me years to realize that the me I see when I look into the mirror doesn’t have to be a destination, it’s a journey. It tells the story of me. Every scar, every bump, every wrinkle is me. It’s a trial, a triumph, a struggle, a victory that I got through.  I learned I needed to embrace this woman and give her the love and forgiveness that I would give one of my girlfriends if she were to speak about herself the way I thought internally. I decided to love myself and do the work to change. I’m still on the journey every day, but I’m much further along and I got there through lifestyle changes and therapy.

Speaking with a therapist who truly understood BDD and realized that my thoughts were more than just vanity, they’d become the soundtrack of my life.  Being validated rather than reprimanded or reassured, was a major turning point for me. My therapist helped me make changes to my lifestyle and challenged me to make decisions that would make me uncomfortable but stimulate growth.

Eventually…I decided to wear the bikini, NOW, and not 5pds from now. I chose to be kind to myself at every stage and every weight rather than delaying the love for a day not promised. I realized tags were sewn on the inside for a reason, it’s no one’s business, but your own. I decided to put my money where my mouth is and schedule a boudoir session, for no one else but ME.

And…yes, Jenn and her team made me feel like a queen for the day, but I felt empowered by the decision to even be there.  When the images came through for my review, I really looked at them, every inch, every curve, every wrinkle. I am now at a point in my life that when I see those images up on my wall, I will finally see ME.

 

I want that for you too. If you are still unhappy with the she you see and would like to speak with someone who understands there are some great options out there. Let’s take the journey together.

-Marissa